Spider Monkey
by DeanFTWinchester
Summary: When Eric pays an intoxicated Sookie a late-night visit, hilarity ensues.


**Hiya. This is my first stab at a True Blood fic, so go easy on me, kay? And I'm fully aware that Sookie is totally out o' character. It's supposed to be like that. As for the timeline, this takes place after season two but without Bill disappearing. Its more like the beginning of the third book in the Bill respect but if you haven't read it, don't worry cause it's pretty irrelevant. Anyway, review and lemme know what you think!**

_Spider Monkey_

I was lying in bed, in that purgatory you're in right before you fall asleep. It seemed that I couldn't become dead to the world quite yet, that there was something that I was forgetting to do. A kind of unfinished business. I ran a mental checklist of possibilities. Somewhere between leaving the oven on and setting my alarm clock, I felt the bed depress behind me. Then, a pair of rather large arms wrapped themselves around my waist.

"Evenin' Sheriff." I giggled at my own joke.

"How did you know it was me?" came the reply, whispered into my shoulder.

"Contrary to popular belief, I don't have many vampires crawling into my bed in the middle of the night." I felt more than I heard his chuckle. "Plus, I only know a handful of men who could possibly take up this much space on my bed. And only one who would have the audacity to try their luck getting into it."

"You smell great." Ah. Good. He's in one of _those_ moods. That's fantastic.

"So what are you doing here, Eric?"

"Snuggling." Of course, he is.

"Wonderful. Is there any business you're here to partake in, other than your snuggling?"

"Mmm." Damn vampires and their noncommittal noises.

"Eric," I whined, stretching out his name. "Just tell me what you want so I can go to bed!" I demanded, childishly.

"Lover, I'm wounded. All I wanted was to spend a moment in your splendid company." Oh, isn't he just the poster-vamp for innocence. Wait, that was an oxy-moron.

"You're so full of shit. Let me guess, there's a big vampire convention in Chicago and you need me to come as your telepath so you can get the upper hand with all the other vamps. Oh! And meanwhile, you'll be plotting ways to get me to _accidentally_ drink your blood again. You devious little spider monkey."

"In all my thousand years, I don't think I've even been called a 'spider monkey' before. And I've certainly never been called _little_." He spat the word out as if he had bitten into it and it had gushed out some sort of black sludge that tasted like salty slugs.

"Ew." I couldn't keep in my disgust at my own mental image.

"Yes. I, too, am disgusted with the thought of a smaller version of myself."

"I was talking about the slugs but yeah, that'd be weird."

"Slugs, lover?"

"Mmm." Let's see how _he_ enjoys his beloved noncommittal noises.

Instead of acknowledging this, he stuck his nose into the crook of my neck and breathed in deeply.

"Have I mentioned lately, how _intoxicating_ you smell tonight?" His voice was dreamy and even I could hear the desire in it.

"Well, I _am_ intoxicated. I wonder if that's what's doing it for you. And yes, you have told me."

"Intoxicated, dear one? What has provoked you to feel the need to become so? Were you being driven mad by your desire for me?" I giggled.

"Yeah, that and Sam."

"The shifter?" Again, with the slug eating tone.

"Yes. He's been being extra protective since I got back from Dallas and the whole Maryann deal happened. Thanks for showing up and pitching in there, by the way."

"You know I would have come, had I not been... detained."

"Detained, eh?"

"Yes. A... vampire in higher position than myself forced me to... it's unimportant." Not important? He's clearly hiding something. He began to shift uncomfortably. Something embarrassing.

"Forced you to what?" Now who's the picture of innocence, huh?

He sighed. "I was made to play a game... with dice. You roll them and try to get the same number on each."

"Yahtzee? This vampire made you play Yahtzee?" I asked incredulously. I was trying to picture Eric, big bad Viking vampire... playing Yahtzee.

"Yes. I... was not very skilled." Now he just sounded frustrated. Ha! So Eric Northman is bad at something. I rue the day.

"Yeah, I can see you being bad at that." I giggled at the mental image of the giant vampire getting angry and tipping over the table, throwing the dice through a wall.

"You truly are intoxicated, aren't you? It certainly explains why you're being so... cooperative. A sober Sookie would have rescinded my invitation the second she discovered me in her bed."

"Yeah. Remind me when I let you in last time." He just chuckled. It's impossible to get a straight answer out of him! I pouted. "Back to the topic at hand... What. Are. You. Doing here?" I demanded.

He sighed. "I can't just come by to visit my favourite telepath once in a while?"

"Not at 3 a.m. you can't. Are you sure _you're_ not drunk Eric? And I'm your _only_ telepath. No wait, I'm not _your_ telepath, I'm _my_ telepath. My head hurts." He laughed at me. _Laughed_ at me! I say I'm in pain and he laughs. Sadistic bastard. "Come to think of it, why would you visit your 'favourite telepath' at all? All you ever wanted form me was sex." I gasped. "You're here for _sex,_ aren't you?!" I exclaimed. That rat bastard thinks that showing up in my bed, while I'm drunk, in the middle of the night, when I've had a fight with my boyfriend, and my boss is pissing me off, would be a good time to _take advantage of me?_ Of all the nerve!

"Eric Northman! I've said it before and I'll say it again, you're a devious little spider monkey! Yeah, I said it! _Spider monkey_! A _little_ one, too! How do you like them apples?! Now, get out of my bed!"

"I do not appreciate being called _spider monkey_, my Sookie," he growled. "Just for that, I will not leave your bed until the sun is almost up, and I absolutely _must_. What was that delightful phrase you just uttered? 'How do you like them apples?' Yes. Tell me, lover, how do you?" Smug! He is just so damn _smug_.

"Oh yeah, Mr. Smug face? Yeah? How about _this_!" I got up, out of the bed, took the blankets with me and trotted out of the room. Ha! Take that _spider monkey_!

Of course, when I reached the living room, my devious spider monkey was lounging on the couch I was planning to sleep on. He had giant grin on his face, and I had a scowl on mine. I pointed at him.

"Evil."

He tipped his head back and laughed.

"Fine. Fine, Eric. _Fine. _You've won this round," I said while trudging over to the couch. He made room for me to settle in beside him. "Is this how you've become so powerful? Annoying people and invading their sleep spaces until they don't bother resisting anymore?"

"No, but it is how I got you in bed with me." Oh he thinks he's so clever.

"_Techincally_, it's how you got me in couch with you." Ha. Take that.

He chuckled. "Indeed. But now that I've more or less succeeded in my task, which wouldn't have happened, I'm sure, had you been sober, I can bask in my undefeated glory."

I snorted. "Sure thing, mister—" He cut me off.

"Quiet, lover. I'm basking."

"Oh, bask _this_—"

He gently clamped his hand down over my mouth. Oh, no he did not. I could feel his laughter rumbling from inside him against my back. Apparently, he did. Well we can't have that. So, I did what any drunken, apparently _insane_, telepathic barmaid would do.

I bit his hand. Yup. I bit the vampire. Why, you ask? Well, I'm really not sure.

Luckily, being about as surprised as I was, he jerked his hand away and my mouth was freed. Huzzah!

"Ha!" Was all I could think to say.

"I can't believe you just bit me."

I looked back over my shoulder at him. His eyes were glazed and he looked more than shocked. "You know, neither can I. I guess I'm just hungry." I giggled.

Of course, that snapped him back into his old self. Skimming his nose along my throat, he purred, "Oh, as am I, my Sookie. Not just for any old bloodbag though." He playfully snapped his teeth. "Only for Sookie."

Well that snapped me back from the moment of lust I was just having. He _would_ say the exact thing from my dream. Not exactly the same context but still. I jerked away.

"Alright. That's enough from you. Get out."

"But I was just getting to the good part. Let me stay a while, lover. I assure you, you'll have fun."

Why am I considering this? I'm with _Bill_. Bill, who's my boyfriend. Bill, who I love. Bill, who has been ignoring me for his damn computer ever since we got back from Dallas. Bill, the over-protective asshole who constantly refers to me as his, like I'm some kind of property. Bill who can't say my name right. _'Suhkeh is maaahn'. _

What are you doing!? Why are you _considering_ this? It's _Eric_! He tricked you into drinking his blood! Oh. I see. I see indeed. It's the _blood_. The blood is making me want him. Also I'm drunk.

"No."

"You seemed to be deep in thought. I was sure you'd changed your mind."

"Well, I haven't. Now leave."

"You say you want me to leave, but if you truly did, you would just rescind my invitation. Face it, Sookie," He leaned back and grinned, "You _want_ me."

"Be that as it may, you have to leave." So what if I wanted him? That doesn't mean I'm gonna have him!

"Ah, so you admit it. You do want me." I could see his glorious face light up with triumph.

I rolled my eyes. "Yes, I do believe I just said that. Now get the fuck out."

"Sookie, my dear, no need to get rough, unless of course, that is the way you like it, in which case, have your way with me."

I screamed in frustration. "Eric! Leave!"

"Oh yes, scream my name again." The bastard was enjoying this way too much.

I gritted my teeth. "I don't want to have to rescind your invitation, but I will."

This peaked his interest. "Why, exactly don't you _want_ to?" He questioned.

"Cause if my life continues on the way it seems to be going, there will come a time, when I'm being attacked in this house, and I won't have the time to call out an invitation for you to come in, work your Viking warrior magic, kick ass and save me."

He laughed. "Fair enough. Interesting that you're so sure I would drop whatever I'm doing to save you."

"Oh, you would. Unless of course, you're getting your ass handed to you in Yahtzee again," I teased.

"I do not like that game," he moped. I stoked his face sympathetically.

"I know, baby. Don't let it get you down. Yahtzee brings out the worst in all of us."

His eyes lit up. "Indeed, _baby_. I have to tell you, I much prefer that nickname over _spider monkey_." The slug eating tone was back!

I snorted. "Whatever. You love being called spider monkey."

He narrowed his eyes at me. "Lies. And what makes you think I'd be willing to come and work my 'Viking warrior magic' to help you whenever you needed it?"

I shrugged. "Simple. You loooooove me." I grinned at him.

He looked astounded. "I most certainly do not. Vampires do not love. _I_ do not love."

"Yes you do! You love me! You love me more than anything in the whooooole world!"

He sat up and looked at me, unamused. "Sookie, you are drunk and because of that, I will forgive you. But know this, I. Do not. Love humans."

"Yep! You do! Cause you love me! You love me soooooo much!" This was just way too fun.

He got off the couch, and started heading towards the door. "No! I don't love you! I do not love anyone, not even Godric. And if I did not love Godric, I _do not_ love you. Leave me alone, tiny human." As he walked out and slammed the door I called after him,

"I love you too, spider monkey! I'll always love you! I love you more than anyth—" At this moment in my teasing, I started to fall off the couch. "Oh no! Eric, help me!" I screeched. I was flailing as I fell and as I was about to hit the floor, there was a gust of wind and two strong arms wrapped around my waist and saved me from the peril of hitting my living room floor.

I looked up into Eric's glacial eyes, to see his worried yet entirely displeased expression.

"Thank you, gracious Viking saviour! I am forever in your debt! However can I repay you for dropping everything you were doing to come rescue me?"

He looked down at me, clearly showing his lack of amusment but also seeing an opportunity he couldn't pass up.

"Well, there _is_ something you could do for me... Perhaps, a kiss?" He asked, again, as the oxy-moronic poster-vamp o' innocence. Have I mentioned he's devious?

I narrowed my eyes. That's how you wanna play it, hm? Fine!

I put one hand behind his head and brought his face down to mine, and kissed him real quick on the lips, then released him and skipped away before he got over his shock and tried to keep me there longer.

"Thanks again, you wily vampire, you."

He looked far, far too pleased with himself. I have a feeling that tonight is going to feel like a terrible idea tomorrow, but for now, I'll stick with my drunken ignorance. And, I decided that I needed to wipe that smug smirk off his face.

"I think I've now proved my point, that you would run to save me the second I needed you," I said with an eyebrow raised. His smile dropped and he glared at me.

"That was merely me, trying to protect that delightful ass of yours from a bruise. I wouldn't want anything to happen to that." And he's back.

"You keep telling yourself that, spider monkey. But, I know the truth."

He arched a brow. "Oh yes? What is the truth, lover?"

"Exactly that. You looooove me."

He gave me one last glare and left.

"Goodnight, spider monkey!"

I giggled and finally went to bed. Unfinished business, complete.


End file.
